The Wasilla Goat Lady is on to Me *or* I Don't Know How David Sedaris Does It

Mark has about two hundred more Facebook friends than I do even though I'm twice as winning. That's bullshit. I'd like to catch up. I'll accept a friend request from almost anyone. But not everyone.

The Wasilla Goat Lady friend requested me today and as soon as I saw her goat avatar and note, it put me on edge.

I believe you sent me a message in October of 2008 about milk. 

Yes, I did send you a note. I also drove out to your farm and you told me I had to leave my dog in the car (Dasha spent some formative time on a ranch in Wyoming and the smell of straw and shit and mud is sweet, sweet heaven to that dog). If you're in the mood for honesty, I was a little creeped out by your weirdness. But that was years ago. We're through. So why the request now? Did you read my post? Did you know it was me? Are you on a baking blog revenge vendetta that starts with Facebook and ends with goat parts in my bed? There has to be a gross of goat ladies in Wasilla, and I was careful not to mention anything too identifying in the post. The Glad baggies were maybe a bit of a giveaway, but it's a common brand and I have a lot more ammo. I could dime you out if I wanted. But I didn't. So back off.

Or maybe it's a coincidence. I feel guilty nevertheless.

Where is the line? How careful should I be? How does David Sedaris do it? Every time I read his books—short essays about the absurdity of his life—I wonder how he faces his family after he publicly exploits them. What does he say? At this point apologizing is stupid because he's a chronic offender and I'm sorry only works for a little while. Yesterday, when I was writing about pots de crème I had this great story about coffee and milk and sugar that was really funny but I couldn't write it because I didn't want to throw my mom under the bus. She didn't do anything mean or wrong, but the story would have hurt the feelings of someone I don't even like and would have put my mom in a spot (who I do like, very very much). So I didn't write it. I try to be careful. I thought the Wasilla Goat Lady was safe. Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't.

If you haven't read any David Sedaris, buy some. Me Talk Pretty One Day and Naked are both fantastic. But don't read any of his books in public. You'll laugh so loud you'll scare people.

P.S. The photo is of David Sedaris.